[Please don’t read]
I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. I’ve been so negative and hard on myself too. I’m not sleeping well, my appetite is either nonexistent or sporadic, and I’m convinced everyone in my life hates me. I feel like I’m
drowning.
I feel mediocre. Pieces of a puzzle, that should create something beautiful, yet is still just a pile still shuffled in the box. I’m an adult, yet I don’t feel like one. I’m dodging questions that feel too personal, too pervasive and when I answer anything, I feel like I’m spinning webs of stories and convoluted responses as to not be judged for how pathetic I perceive myself to be.
I want to do better, to do more, yet I feel stuck in place. I’m afraid to leave my comfort circle and I’m content in this sad grey area I’m in. I fail to follow through every single time. I’m so irresponsible, like why am I like this? I want to improve, but it seems like nothing changes, or that whatever I’m doing now is a worse version that where I started. Everything sucks.
There’s so much to be grateful for. I have a roof over my head for free, a job I love and friends I talk to all the time. But I have so much trouble remembering to stay grateful because it feels like I should be in a better place. Not in the sense of entitlement, but in the way that I’m not doing enough. I’m not enough. Sometimes, I feel like I’m annoying, and maybe I am. I get so deep in my head about this, it probably wrecks me more than anything else.
Why is it, if I go a day without talking to someone, or without someone reaching out, I question everything. Do they hate me? Do they realize I’m actually a horrible person? Am I a loser? These things weigh so much, that I’ll nap a day away just to escape my thoughts. These feelings never last long, but they always hit the hardest.
Am I ugly? Did I smile the right way in this pic so you can’t see my crooked bottom teeth? Is the lighting nice enough that you won’t notice my teeth are maybe a little too yellow? Does my hair look cool today? Does it really matter when I’ll change it tomorrow after staring at myself too long in the mirror and hating every single thing about my appearance? Why am I like this?
It’s been a rough few weeks and maybe all of this is happening because I’ll be turning 26 in a few months. I’ve been reflecting and reflecting and critiquing and judging and nitpicking and comparing and comparing and comparing (am i jealous?) and comparing (feeling inferior?) and comparing and
drowning
drowning
still drowning.
Today, I took a deep breath. Today, things were a little better.
I listened to the Plastic Hearts album by Miley Cyrus and played this new song I found as many times as I wanted.
I lit a candle in my room -apple and peony scented- for the first time in what seems like forever. My room feels more like me now somehow, feels more comforting too.
I ate three meals for the first time in weeks. I wasn’t really hungry for the last two, but I felt good after eating. I also did 10 pushups for whatever reason (my arms hurt).
My negative thoughts still persist. But today, I feel better equipped to handle them, to address them. I have so much work to do, but for now maybe it’s ok to take things small step by small step. Planting a tree instead of a forest. Adulthood still sucks, but I wanna make the most of it for myself. I want to be positive for myself, for the sake of myself and my wellbeing.
I’m still trying to figure out what the future looks like for me… trying to figure out what my present looks like honestly. I don’t have it right now, but maybe that’s ok.
Sundai Paper 
Leave a comment